Infamous pub The Compass Inn received national publicity following a controversial decision to ban children under 12 from entering the premises. The landlord initially claimed it was for hygiene & noise reasons, but many remain sceptical as the pub continued to promote its dog friendliness.

Rumours began circulating that the pub may be a regular venue for “Pedophiles Anonymous”, as members of this group cannot be 50 metres near children. Was the decision to ban children in order to secure itself as a permanent location of the group’s meetings? After all, the nonce community is renowned for having big-money members such as Jeffery Epstein & Jimmy Saville. Nobody knows for certain if the pub is connected to the group, or whether they accepted the six-figure annual revenue this deal is reportedly worth.

Despite the mysterious nature of the decision, the pub currently has a ground-shaking 616 reviews on Google with an average review of 4.4 stars. That’s rather impressive, but it’s not a definitive review. The three cunts decided to travel to the popular inn to deliver the official rating.

Jake could not attend this review as he was rushed to hospital after driving into a pothole located in the car park.

Editors note: That introduction was satire (minus about the reviews), don’t get mad The Compass Inn. We know you love the negative attention really.

1) How was the booze selection? 🥃

George says: “No Peroni.”

Chef says: “11 fucking quid? [for two drinks] Is this London or something?”

2) How good were the chips? 🍟

George says: “Good, not worth the price. Literally charged enough for a lunch meal elsewhere.”

Neil says: “Cheesy chips were £6… Enough said.”

3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷

George says: “Absolutely perfect to be fair.”

4) How good are the toilets? 💩

George says: “Grim.”

5) How were the staff?👩‍🍳

George says: “Staff were friendly, landlord needs a reality check. Literally ignored us.”

Neil says: “The landlord was moody as fuck. The other lass was fit.”

6) How was the venue? 🏚

Neil says: “Why is everything for sale [referring to the random items on sale around the pub]? Why are they obsessed with the royal family? I don’t like the big horse painting outside.”

Chef says: “It’s very pub like…” Chef lost interest, clearly uninspired.

7) Overall score 🍻

George says: “Overpriced, unaccommodating, weird, overhyped, untidy; these are all words that fairly describe The Compass Inn.”

Chef says: “I prefer cats.” Chef drops the mic.

Neil says: “I thought I came to drink in a pub, not an antiques shop.”

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Today’s unique fact: Dogs are cleaner than children (allegedly).