Did our review result in The Compass Inn becoming so financially devastated they had to give up the pub? We’re not sure… Nobody really is, & if they say otherwise they’re probably drunk or biased.
Today’s potential victim is The Haywain, based in Bartley.
The Haywain is a Stonehouse establishment. If you don’t know what Stonehouse is, imagine a worse version of Tobey Carvery & add pizzas to the menu. Our team of professional reviewers aren’t reviewing its carvery or pizza quality, though, we just want a pint & some chips.
Does this pub have some local charm? Or is it a “not very clean or tidy” venue with “dirty menus” & “rude & very miserable” staff as local guide Teresa Jenkins said in her notorious Google review?
Editors note: Teresa was a tad harsh.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “They don’t have Peroni.”
Neil says: “Strongbow being the only cider on tap is inexcusable.”
Jake says: “It was owned by a woman and her husband was called Wayne, hence why it’s called The Haywain.”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Chef says: “Good chips [shrugs].”
Neil says: “Having real Heinz is nice.”
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
George says: “Crunchy stuff at the top of the glass is a bit gross.”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “If you’re going to spend some money on some nice flooring… spend it in here [gesturing around the pub]. A bit uninspiring.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Jake says: “Fit!”
George says: “Super friendly & attentive.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Jake says: “Nan chique”
George says: “Skanky little pub for skanky men.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Neil says: “Disappointed that the festive menu is still on display in the toilet. Not like they have fuck all else to do [referring to the pub being quiet].”
George says: “Despite the pub’s shortcomings it’s pretty average. The only member of staff working tonight night was proactive, & provided table service despite us initially not intending on having food. To be fair the only reason this wasn’t a negative experience was probably due to the staff.”
Chef: “[He cringes as he speaks] Brings back old memories. I’ve had the carvery twice before. The pizza was nice.”
Jake says: “[On his phone] It’s loading the cookies… No, that’s not my quote. As wanton wan the boys [he begins to babble on about some stupid shit]… I think there’s potential, but it looks like Goodies mixed with my Nan’s house.”
Today’s unique fact: Jake doesn’t think he knows how to put on a condom anymore.
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 