Is Romsey in the New Forest? Well… Not really, no. The original reason for this pub review was that Ower is on the edge of the New Forest, & that Ower is pretty much West Wellow, which is pretty much Romsey; but this doesn’t really make sense.

It’s not even in the New Forest District Council’s catchment, a claim that even the neighbouring ghetto Totton can make.

That being said, The Cromwell Arms is certainly a pub. Or at least used to resemble a pub, nowadays it looks more like a nice hotel complete with an upmarket bar & dining area.

So how does this New Forest pub that doesn’t feel like a pub & isn’t in the New Forest compare to the rest of our reviews?

1) How was the booze selection? 🥃

George says: “They have Peroni.”

Jake says: “Well… [He flicks through the drinks menu wildly gesturing at the beers & cocktails] What else could you want? I’ll tell you what I want… cheaper prices.”

Chef says: “Asahi is very expensive. I might get Archers Lemonade.”

2) How good were the chips? 🍟

Neil says: “Oooh skin on. [He takes a bite] Look better than they taste.”

George says: “Worth ordering with a main.”

Jake says: “Not as good as I expected.”

3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷

Neil says: “M16… That’s poor! [He points at Chef’s glass] You’ve got lipstick stains on your glass!”

Chef [Holding back the tears in his eyes]: “I’ve also got a fly in my drink.”

4) How good are the toilets? 💩

George says: “A pleasant place to poo thanks to its contemporary interior.”

5) How were the staff?👩‍🍳

Chef says: “A very sexy man! He was very attractive.”

Neil says: “He was very attractive.”

6) How was the venue? 🏚

George says: “Not our usual New Forest pub… As it wasn’t in the New Forest. However the interior is modern with lots of natural light flowing through which isn’t something you usually enjoy with a pub. The outside area looks amazing with lots of nice seating, too, but it’s raining so we can’t experience it.”

Chef says: “The view is nice that way. [He points out the window] Not nice that way. This will be lovely in the summer [The other reviewers proceed to point out every pub is nicer in the summer]”

7) Overall score 🍻

George says: “One of the nicest pubs we’ve been to in terms of the venue, & I really enjoyed the food. The staff were lovely, the drinks menu is great & I look forward to revisiting in the summer.”

Neil says: “It was great, I had a great time. [However he pauses to contemplate the bigger picture] There’s so much potential and I’m left wanting more.”

Jake says: “[To Neil following his comment] If you weren’t such a sarcastic prick maybe I’d see more of you. … I think this would easily be the best pub we went to if it wasn’t for the lipstick glass and soggy boy chips.”

Chef says: “[to Jake following his comment] You’d be my best friend if it wasn’t for Neil and George. [He laughs maniacally]”

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Today’s unique fact: We wrote a pub review in Amsterdam but were too inebriated to finish it & also I accidentally wrote over the review to make this one.