On the New Forest’s edge sits The Vine Inn, which is just down the road from Paultons Park. It shares a location with a Premier Inn & is part of Hungry Horse, which probably gives an insight into what kind of food The Vine Inn serves (greasy, calorie packed dishes).
Slightly closer to Paultons Park is The Mortimer Arms, which we are yet to review.
My understanding is that The Vine Inn is a parasite feeding on The Mortimer Arms’ waste, scurrying behind The Mortimer Arms & hoping strays will accidentally wander into its dingy doors.
This week we happened to be some of those strays.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “They have Peroni. Although it arrived flat.”
Neil says: “A lot of choice… But no local ales. However I am pleased with the addition of Vimto.”
Jake says [After the waiter delivered a small coke & told Jake he probably made a mistake] : “Why didn’t you just ask me if I meant a pint? Now I have to order a pint.”
Chef says: “They don’t even have the beers on the menu.”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Neil says: “Pleasantly surprised… That they’re average.”
George says: “Aunt Bessie’s ahoy.”
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Neil says: “Is that a cum stain? [Pointing at the big white gloop on the glass]“
Chef says: “Even I wouldn’t drink from that.”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “Surprisingly okay! I don’t understand why some places sell cock rings and some don’t.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
George says: “Whilst polite, they didn’t offer to swap my chair even though there’s massive white stains all over it… which isn’t great. & not offering to help Jake after recognising his order was wrong was strange.”
Neil says: “Loud. They keep shouting orders at people.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
George says: “Screaming kids, chairs covered in stains, outdated decor, sticky tables, & no character; this is trash.”
Jake says: “It’s the perfect destination for when you take your bratty little kids to Paultons for a day which they’ll never remember.”
Neil says: “[continuing from Jake] which you see once every 6 months.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Neil says: “It’s like all the bad bits from Toby Carvery without the carvery.”
Chef says: “[continuing from Neil] It’s a shit Toby Carvery. As expected.”
George says: “What you expect from a greasy chain pub on the side of a motorway which is designed to scoop up families that refuse to buy food in Paultons Park because they require portions that are 10 times what the average human needs.”
Jake says: “There’s so many better places you can go.”
Today’s unique fact: If The Vine Inn was a woman Jake would shag it & be disappointed.
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 