A few weeks ago we visited The Vine Inn, which was a delightfully awful experience. It seemed only fair to visit The Mortimer Arms, which is just down the road & is widely considered the more upmarket pub (price wise this is certainly true).
The Mortimer Arms is just outside of Paultons Park, probably less than 50 metres from the entrance. It’s so close to the park I wouldn’t be surprised if Daddy Pig waddled over before & after work to drown his sorrows.
Whilst we weren’t allowed to visit Peppa Pig Land due to Jake’s prior convictions, the 50 metres between the park & The Mortimer Arms allowed us to review the establishment.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “No Peroni.”
Chef says: “She didn’t know [about the drinks on offer]. She made no effort to find out. Either know or find out, or lie!”
Neil says: “They wouldn’t even tell me what is on offer. Also my cider is watery. [Neil had no idea what cider he was drinking as they didn’t tell him… We later found out it was a Thatchers].”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Chef says: “They are good chips. But they’re not a pound a chip.”
George says: “Very underwhelmed.”
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Jake says: “Some water marks.”
Neil says: “M22!”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “Not too unsurprising but it smells like shit. Generally pretty average.”
Neil says: “I was surprised at the sign on the wall about flushing toilet paper.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Neil says: “I respect how she owned it [Referring to how the waitress had no idea what drinks they sell & didn’t think to go & check].”
Jake says: “Kind of incompetent.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Chef says: “I like the fireplace. I like those side bits too [Chef points at architectural features but he may have been referring to an old lady he wanted to be his “side bit”].”
Neil says: “It’s just meh… Looks like every other pub. I don’t like the carpet.”
George says: “It’s very hot & stuffy in here. The chairs don’t even match.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Neil says: “It feels like it should be really good but it’s not. I’m just a bit disappointed I’ve been to another identical New Forest pub. I also didn’t appreciate her not having an idea on the drinks menu.”
George says: “Whilst The Vine Inn was bad, it was very cheap which saved it from being completely worthless. The Mortimer Arms is extremely average & expensive, so I don’t know if it’s much better.”
Chef says: “The chips were the only positive… Actually, no. The taste of the chips, because the price was not positive.”
Jake says: “As I walked out the toilet and smelt a shit I didn’t think it could get any worse, & then I saw the price of the chips.”
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 