The London Tavern was originally founded in the 1860s so the owner had an excuse to get some brandy from London. Or something like that, apparently.
However that original owner – Mr Robberts who also went by Johnnie Londoner – is of course now dead. I’m unsure when he died, but their website says Phil (their new landlord & probably a massive lad) took over in 2018. So I think it’s safe to assume that Johnnie Londoner lived & managed the pub to the healthy age of at least 168, assuming he started the pub at 10 years old.
With such a rich history & boasting about their dedication to local ingredients & drinks, The London Tavern is surely a certified CPG banger? Our team of expert reviewers went to visit on a very hot Summers day.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “No Peroni. The rest of the lagers were great, though.”
Neil says: “There was a wide variety of drinks on offer. Two ciders on tap. I saw a few local ales, too.”
Ben says: “Standard.”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Chef says: “[He shrugs, speechless with a mouth full of chips] Perfect.”
Jake says: “I didn’t rate them that much to be honest.”
George says: “Skin-on, thin, crispy… A thing of beauty.”
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Ben says: “Grime, marks… I don’t think it can get much worse.”
Jake says: “M21s, but gross.”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Neil says: “Flies everywhere, urinal is a state… I was weeing at the wall. But I would shit in emergency.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Chef says: “Bunda.”
Ben says: “I had a really nice interaction with the staff.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Jake says: “The amount of flies [flies circle his head]… The cabin bit is nice, but has a dirty feel.”
Neil says: “There are good things but there’s a lot more bad than good. The beer garden is a carpark. I expected to see Louis Theroux filming a documentary in the caravan park I can see from the beer garden.
Chef says: “An awkward drive with a sharp turn brings the score down.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Chef says: “I’ve been really impressed. And clearly have low standard in comparison to my friends. Maybe that’s a reflection on my life. [His eyes wander off into the distance, looking longly as he reminisces on memories probably from 8 years ago] Maybe I should breakup with my girlfriend.”
Jake says: “It’s just a bit shit isn’t it. You can’t just put shitty old sheds in the back, chuck a couple of flies around & pretend it’s a good place to be. Go make up some more google reviews, you pricks. This is why I have trust issues with reviews. Why is it so busy?”
Ben says: “It feels like it’s desperately trying to be an english summer vibe.”
George says: “I thought it was a nice pub. Room for improvement, but I liked the drinks selection, the chips were great & the decor was alright.”
Neil says: “Not feeling good vibes. Wouldn’t like to be here on my own.”
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 