After a month of no communication we finally received a letter from Neil. Strangely cryptic & sent via messenger pigeon, he instructed us to meet him at the “Old Beams Inn”, oddly signing off that the pub is “like a Tardis, apparently.”.
Jake, George & Chef ventured to the allegedly Doctor Who themed pub to review.
The Old Beams Inn is just down the road from New Forest Water Park, making it the perfect place to get boozy before emptying your stomach being active in a lake. We went to the water park as well, & it was a good time.
Editor’s note: It was not Doctor Who themed.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “No Peroni. The rest of the lagers were great, though.”
Chef says: “I dunno… Refreshing after a wet session… [He pauses to correct himself] After getting wet with my friends.”
Jack says: “I don’t want to contribute to this section. [2 minutes later he decided that he does actually want to contribute] They actually do Coca Cola instead of Pepsi!”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Chef says: “A great selection of sauces as well. I’ve never been to a pub where sweet chilli dip is available for the chips!”
Neil says: “Disappointing I think. Undercooked. Crunchy… but in a raw potato way.”
George says: “Very nice. Nothing crazy – they’re not trying to reinvent the potato wheel – but it certainly works.”
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Chef says: “My glass is a +5. The same as the waitress.”
George says: “Clean glasses aside from Neil’s, which looks like it’s been reused 10 times.”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “It’s nicely designed. Not much thrills. There’s a few bits that haven’t been cleaned in a while. Neglected. Happily shit my heavily processed burger after eating it.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Chef says: “He made a good joke and had good hair.”
Jack says: “He said do you want cheese and bacon but didn’t tell me the price. I think I got hustled.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Jake says: “It’s nice I like it. There’s a lot to like about it.”
George says: “Overall it’s nice but half the beer garden is in the car park. The other half is in a very quaint garden area which is adorable.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Chef says: “I liked it. I liked the play park. I’m going down the slide. [He proceeds to go on a child’s climbing frame]“
Jake says [screaming as he does so]: “I don’t understand adding sauces for £3. Get fucked. Add cheese from £1.25? What is it golden cheddar?”
George says: “It’s a really nice pub. The prices aren’t ideal, but the interior & exterior is really pleasant, & it’s a very big.”
Neil says: “I hope the barman is okay after his fight.”
Today’s unique fact: Don’t use a mortgage advisor without also approaching the bank directly to compare what’s available from both.
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 