Is The Crown a pub? Probably not. Once upon a time it might have been, but according to The Crown’s website this hasn’t been the case for 300 years & back then it was called “Kings Arms Inn”.
Considering it was once a pub, does that still qualify it for a review? Why not.
The Crown is a beautiful listed building which has been a staple of Lyndhurst since the 15th century, which gives it much more character than every other stop on our pub crawl. It’s just a shame that the staff didn’t inherit some of its personality.
We ventured into this eerily quiet establishment for a pint & some chips, ready to enjoy the high life along with the other snooty types. It’s worth mentioning that I’m unsure why it was so snooty in there… Anywhere that prices their luxury suite at £149.00 (which is dirt cheap) should either reconsider their prices or turn down their staff’s stiff upper lips. Sure that’s autumn prices, but it just makes your summer prices look insane when you’re charging 1/4 of the price a month later.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
George says: “No Peroni. Or any drinks to be honest. Moretti is great, but that’s become a standard lager in recent years.”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
Editor’s note: No chips because their kitchen was closed mid-afternoon, which is dumb. Who shuts their kitchen for 2 hours between lunch & dinner like that? What if a guest wants a snack? This would be fine for a B&B, but this is a luxury hotel. Do you hate making money or something? No snacks between the lunch & dinner menu, & rooms that are half the price the venue deserves? Are you okay? Maybe if you sold snacks you wouldn’t have to discount your rooms by 75% in the autumn.
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Chef says: “Mine’s kind of okay…”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “Can you downgrade it for a smelly shit? It had hand cream, which is nice.”
George says: “A nice design. 3 urinals & 1 loo to 1 sink, though? That doesn’t seem right. What if we’re all done at the same time? Do we have to queue into the hallway for the sink blocking the toilet door?”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Neil says: “Weird.”
George says: “Very awkward & not helpful.”
Chef says: “Awkward. I liked that the man said ‘chaps’.”
Editors note: The staff upon greeting were very rude, but the guy that brought us our drinks was very pleasant. However, by this point our experience was already ruined.
6) How was the venue? 🏚
George says: “It’s so quiet. People are getting annoyed because we’re talking in a normal volume & laughing. The woman over there shook her head at us for talking when she came & sat opposite us.”
Neil says: “If i came for a hotel stay… [he becomes inaudible so we had to lip read this part] I’m a cunt a big old cunt. Ginger cunt.”
Chef says: “They have a library – which is unique.”
Jake says: “I blame the person who brought us here for the bad venue.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Chef says: “Doesn’t meet the purpose of a pub crawl. But does seem lovely.”
Jake says: “I’d rather get a pint from Burger King than go here. Nothing will ever be funnier than seeing someone get dressed in the window whilst everyone [all the other hotel guests] is sat watching outside in the garden.”
George says: “This is a hotel… but aside from that it’s been a nice venue aside from the staff. Also the guests are a weird bunch. Kind of like robots or sexually deprived librarians.”
Neil says: “I didn’t expect to see someone get dressed whilst I had a pint.”
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 