Whilst The Testwood is within the New Forest District Council, you’d be hard to find any reputable individual who would say that Totton is New Forest territory.

However, if you are a Totton resident who advertises an Airbnb & claim it’s in New Forest territory, we have nothing but respect for you.

Despite being in the less nice part of Totton (which is a less nice area in itself) The Testwood stands out due to its sizeable beer garden & recently renovated interior. Is this just polish on a turd, or is it worth the traitorous trip into the ghetto of Totton?

1) How was the booze selection? 🥃

George says: “They have Peroni.”

Chef says: “It was expensive. None of the drinks I love… I just liked them. And it was expensive.”

Jake says: “[Following Chef’s comment about pricing] I think it’s a bit unfair to complain about the price caused by inflation.”

2) How good were the chips? 🍟

George says: “Nobody goes to The Testwood for world class cuisine. It’s fine. They’re always reliably edible.”

3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷

Jake says: “I always respect when it’s in a Coca Cola glass… I think it’s Pepsi, though.”

Chef says: “I don’t like the Corona glass. I don’t like how my lips go around it.”

4) How good are the toilets? 💩

George says: “They’re fine… Often piss covered, but the decor is nice. Could be bigger.”

5) How were the staff?👩‍🍳

Jake says: “I’d let them peg me.”

Chef says: “He asked if I wanted a lime in my Corona…”

6) How was the venue? 🏚

Chef says: “I like the venue. Nice big garden. I hate the name. There’s an atmosphere; that’s rare.”

Jake says: “If it wasn’t so pikey dirty in here it’d be really nice. On another note, there’s something wrong with my insides.”

George says: “It’s actually quite nice & done to a good modern standard. It’s much nicer than the area it’s based in.”

7) Overall score 🍻

Chef says: “It’s the price which brings the score down. Which is probably fair that the moment… But it is a lot. I like the venue. I like the atmosphere.”

George says: “It’s a really nice pub. If it was in the middle of Lyndhurst people would love it.”

Jake says: “It would be higher but the clientele are fucking disgusting. If you can put that down as my comment that’d be great.”

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Today’s unique fact: Within a 1 mile radius of The Testwood 188 crimes were reported in August 2022.