If you pop over to Google & search for The Royal Oak, it will tell you that this quaint little pub is situated in Lyndhurst. It should be noted that The Royal Oak is an 8 mile, 15 minute drive from Lyndhurst, so to say this pub is in Lyndhurst is like moving to Millbrook & saying you live in The New Forest.
When The Royal Oak says it’s in the heart of The New Forest, it means it’s difficult to get to & is pretty much in a bush, not that it’s in the centre of the forest. Geographically it lands in the “eh” side of the forest, north of the A31. As opposed to south of the A31, where many would consider the main attractions of The New Forest such as Lyndhurst or Beaulieu.
We should note that we reviewed this pub on one of the days which the pub wasn’t serving food, which may have affected our score.
We sadly have to announce that Neil (inventor of the Neil’s Scale) has been shot by his ex-wife following a disagreement about who gets to take ownership over a peace lily. As a result, the team had stopped reviewing pubs, but as it seems like his recovery will take a while we collectively decided to keep reviewing pubs in his memory. He’s not dead yet.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
Chef says: “They have Moretti.”
George says: “No Peroni. What [to Chef] do you genuinely like about their drinks selection aside from Moretti? What do you like? They’ve got nothing good.”
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
NO CHIPS. THIS IS A CRIME BEYOND FORGIVENESS.
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Jake says: “No cum marks.”
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
George says: “I had to physically leave the pub & walk in the rain to a musty ass camping toilet block which was the least inspired washroom I’ve ever seen, all because apparently basic plumbing infrastructure is too much to ask for in 2023. If I’m going to have to walk in the rain for a wee, at least have a good toilet.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
Jake says: “Ex-convict vibe… But like a rehabilitated ex-convict.”
Chef says: “Friendly. Didn’t have much interaction.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Chef says: “Leaking like an old lady’s piss hole everywhere. There’s a funky smell in here [Jake admits the smell was him]. I can imagine it’s nice in the summer.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Chef says: “The most haunted pub I’ve ever been to.”
Jake says: “Dutty. Wouldn’t even shit in an emergency. If you did a seance in here you would never leave there would be so many ghosts.”
George says: “When someone says about a rural pub, this is the experience I dread.”
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 