Typically the only time I hear the words “keys” & “pub” in the same sentence is when my friend Jordan is telling me about the start of his Saturday night. Ironically, Jordan is a homosexual man, & those type of men are not welcome in The Keys in Totton (at least not according to its local reputation).
I can confidently say following our visit to The Keys that you should disregard this reputation. The Keys is actually very welcoming, & I’m definitely not saying this because two bald men called Dave have a knife to my throat.
1) How was the booze selection? 🥃
Chef says: “£4.20 a pint. Unreal. There’s at least 3 beers I would drink.”
George says: “I went with an Amstel, which is usually my worst case scenario beer.”
Editors Note: Moments later George discovered that all of his favourite beers were available, but he just hadn’t looked properly. His favourites include Moretti & Peroni.
2) How good were the chips? 🍟
There’s no kitchen in this pub… Which is somewhat ironic because it looks like the type of place that regularly cooks meth.
3) Cleanliness of the glasses 🍷
Look, I’m going to admit something… I forgot about this category, & it’s shit anyway.
4) How good are the toilets? 💩
Jake says: “I would snort a line of coke in these toilets.”
5) How were the staff?👩🍳
George says: “Does the DJ count as staff? He’s not doing a great job.”
Chef says: “The waitress called me some random Welsh name & that upset me.”
Jack says: “There’s usually a nice goth mummy in here but not today.”
6) How was the venue? 🏚
Jake says: “Bullet hole in the chair. Who DJs at 6:20pm on a Wednesday? It’s actually not bad.”
George says: “There’s something oddly charming about a pikey pub with horse racing on at each table.”
Neil says: “I love it because I’m a skinhead pikey cunt.”
7) Overall score 🍻
Chef says: “If I came here in 48 hours time I’d be dancing.”
Jake says: “Not as bad as I thought. I don’t know if i can knock it for the clientele… Am I better than them? Probably not. Who has a DJ at 6:30pm on a Thursday?”
George says: “The DJ ruined the experience for me.”
Neil says: “A like a shitty pub like this.”
The C*nts Pub Guide 🍻 